Things I Have Confiscated

Hannah is in her collecting phase. She constantly has her hands full of something. She is also in her climb to the highest precipice phase. You may be able to imagine some of the terrifying combinations those two overlapping milestones may present, but let me help you visualize.

I’ll start by listing the places we have found our daughter recently standing, dangling, or otherwise engaging in unconventional activities. This, mind you, is after only 20-30 nanoseconds of being out of our sight. It’s almost like she has a Star Trek transporter hidden in her diaper.

  1. Coffee table
  2. Different coffee table at the foot of the stairs placed in a vain effort to keep her off the stairs
  3. The stairs
  4. Kitchen table
  5. Kitchen island
  6. Kitchen counter
  7. My desk
  8. On top of her slide
  9. Any and every chair in the house
  10. The dryer
  11. Inside the dishwasher
  12. Inside the kitchen cabinet – the one that hasn’t been baby proofed but will be shortly
  13. Inside the bathroom cabinet – cuz Narnia?
  14. The rocking ottoman in her bedroom
  15. Our bed
  16. On her “helping you learn to stand” toy
  17. Inside her wagon
  18. On top of a precariously stacked pile of Fisher Price toys
  19. Her drum
  20. The arm of the couch

She is pretty fast, she runs now. She also collects so much stuff to carry around with her. Some examples of items I have removed from her death grip…

  1. Pens and Pencils
  2. Playing cards
  3. Sticks (from inside the house. Where did she even get them?)
  4. Glasses – as in drinkware
  5. Glasses – as in to be able to see with
  6. Scissors
  7. Pill bottles (thinks they’re rattles)
  8. So Many Q-Tips
  9. Toilet Paper
  10. Wipes (after having removed every wipe from the package)
  11. Diapers (clean or otherwise)
  12. Tissues (after having removed every tissue from the box)
  13. A hunk of onion she pulled from the garbage
  14. An empty cat food tin she also pulled from the garbage
  15. Christmas bulbs
  16. Shattered Christmas Bulb pieces
  17. Shattered Light Bulb pieces
  18. Lighters
  19. Candles
  20. Chocolate – I think she might be a witch, there is just always chocolate around her
  21. Diet Coke cans
  22. Beer bottles
  23. Shoes, to include my heels and heeled boots
  24. Fistfulls of cat food
  25. Straws
  26. A screwdriver
  27. Every utensil
  28. The gardening tool I use to pick up the dead animals the cat leaves on various porches
  29. All manner of electronic devices, but mostly Shelby’s computer and phone
  30. Batteries
  31. Plastic grocery bags

Now some of these are terrifying items just to have on the ground. I mean, the papercuts from playing cards alone! But imagine rushing into the kitchen to find your daughter standing on the table with one hand full of pens and the other stuck up into the light fixture to make the noise that happens when you bang the lightbulb against the side. How about squatting on the desk which she got onto via the swivel chair trying to stick a pair of scissors into the surge protector? Any takers? My personal favorite was finding her on the coffee table dancing to the top hits of 2016 complete with Philips Hue disco lights and a pretty healthy collection of Mardi Gras beads. Holy crap you guys, if I haven’t said it before, I am in deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep trouble with this one.

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