OMG you guys this is killing me.
She sleeps really really well generally. Like, 10 – 12 hours a night. Straight through! She goes down without a hitch and wakes up all giggly and cuddly and is just the super sweetest. Shelby on the other hand…
And then something happened. I don’t know, teeth? Tummy trouble? Growth spurt? No idea. But she had a terrible night. She woke up at 2:15 and could not go back to sleep. She would shriek the second she realized she was in the crib and would not stop. No amount of singing and soothing would work. I brought her into the bed with me at about 3:30. She was so restless and crawling to the edges ready to plummet off the sides and I just couldn’t handle it so I took her downstairs to see if her daddy could help.
They played for a bit, but I found it even harder to sleep. I came back down, collected her, brought her back into bed with me and tried nursing. She fell asleep. But in her little baby way, started rolling over to get to her tummy and in the meantime, smashed her face all up in the pillows. I tried laying her on her back again and she squirmed and woke and shrieked and was not having it. So I took her into her room and rocked her for a bit and finally got her to settle again. I was able to sneak her into the crib for about 10 minutes before she realized she was there. this was about 4:45. AM. As in, in the morning. It has been so long since I had to recognize that as a time.
Shelby started stirring as if he was going to check on her. But he had only come to bed about 30 minutes before, and I had so many calls I had to take starting at 8 in the morning and I needed him to be able to care for her. So I went in and collected her again. She was standing in the corner of the crib, tears streaking her face. Gasps of air rattling her whole body. But almost as soon as she was in my arms, she fell asleep again. I was afraid to bring her into our bed again, what with the perilous pillows and the fall from the edges…Instead, I grabbed a pillow and blanket and took it back into her room. We slept together on the floor. My knees are still mad at me.
I didn’t get to sleep long before I had to get showered. I took her into the bedroom, nursed her a bit, and somehow transferred her to Shelby’s grip instead of mine and she remained asleep. I am told she didn’t nap very well, and she was pretty fussy most of the day. So when we put her to bed last night I was hopeful that it was just something she ate and maybe she would be ok.
I’m too old for this. The bags under my eyes are frightening. The gray hairs are plentiful. I just wish she could talk, that we could communicate in even the most rudimentary way. That I could ask what’s wrong and she could say “Scared” and I could snuggle her. Or she could say “hurts” and I could kiss it or give her some tylenol. Or she could say “hungry” and I could give her a snack “just this once”. Knowing the problem and not being able to fix it is so much different than not being able to figure out the problem. “How can I make it better?” VS “I can’t make this better, but I can hold you so tight until you feel safe.”
She went down without a hitch tonight. She’s been silently slumbering for almost 2 hours. Which gives me an hour or two before her next big sadness explosion. Unless we’ve convinced her we love her and do not plan to leave her and there are no monsters and she can survive without food til the morning and we fed her the right things so her tummy doesn’t hurt and her diaper doesn’t bother her and the temperature in her room is just right and and and …
I’m going to bed. I’m tired. I have many more long days ahead. I wish I had won the lottery years ago.