The Boring Craziness

Friday I was released from work early in preparation for the upcoming holiday. It was kinda neat, but for me just meant I was logging in at home instead of at my cube. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes it’s exhausting. Friday it was a good thing.

I had heard about an AMAZING sale going on at a particular store in the em-ay-el-el (I hate that place) so decided to take Hannah (hate hate hate that place), the rewards points my MIL gave to us (HAAAAATE) and see if I could grab a few super awesome prezzies for my aging husband.

Backing up a sec, Shelby broke his computer earlier this year. He took it to the genius bar who told him that the computer was so old, they would basically stop servicing it in a few months anyway and he would be better off getting something new. So he did. As a very early birthday present from me. And then he broke that one before his birthday (which hasn’t even happened yet). Nostrils, fire. So my first stop was to the Apple store to turn in his busted LCD screen. But I was too early for my appointment and I had to visit the restroom anyway so trucked Hannah inside for some tinkle time. At which point I’m pretty sure I took my keys off my waistband and hung them on the back of the stall. Before having to chase Hannah down a line of stalls because she totally fits under and I don’t. Kids.

We went back to Apple and got that pretty quickly taken care of before heading back into the main building to take advantage of the Miraculous Sale which ended up not being as miraculous as advertized on Pandora but still pretty good. We trolled around for a bit, picked up a few shirts, and then headed to the register. The rewards points (free money in the mail) require use of the rewards card (so spoiled!) so as we exited the store, I went to text my MIL that she should expect some charges. Which is when I realized I had no phone. But had been texting in the store so I totally used to have it.

I turned right around and went back in. Suddenly the commission paid floor salespeople that were all up in my grill a few minutes before were now suddenly nowhere to be found. When the cashier was finished with her transaction, I snottily (they had definitely been trying to ignore me) shot in before the next person could put their five billion items on the counter and asked if they had seen a phone. They had. I had not yet realized that I also did not have my keys.

Because the reward points were actually supposed to be used to purchase an adorable mess of clothes for Hannah, I decided to go across to another store included in the “family” to use the last coupon for a new tiny 4th outfit. I texted Shelby that we were on our way home and headed out to the car. Which is when I realized I did not have my keys.

I went to the apple store and left my name and number, no one had seen the keys there. I went to the “I lost my phone here” store and “oh yeah I think I lost my keys too” and left them my name and number in case they were found there later. I went to the Hannah outfit store and again, left my digits for follow-up if located. Then I remembered the bathroom at the start of this horrendous day and went to check there. Nothing. So I went to the public safety office and gave my name and number to someone else. Then wandered around hopelessly trying to consider how badly I needed to get home and if it was worth it to break a car window to get the spare from a super top secret hidden location INSIDE THE VEHICLE BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT.

But public safety called about 10 minutes later and told me the keys had been turned in. Let me explain something to you. The public safety office is literally 50 feet from the bathroom I had used. Like, the women’s room is on the right at the end of the corridor, and you would hit the window into the public safety office if you kept walking straight. So how in the world did it take 2+ hours for the keys to walk across the hall? And why weren’t they there 10 minutes ago? Cuz you’re lazy. But thanks for calling.

After all that, I still had to go to the grocery store to get the ingredients for the thing we planned to take to the party we were already an hour late for. Hannah was finally losing patience with her car seat, and I had long since lost patience with how this day was going. When the store didn’t have one of the key ingredients (you call yourself a grocery store Food Lion? Where the crap do you even get your produce and WHY DON’T YOU HAVE GREEN ONION? My dad has green onion. Why don’t you?) I just said to hell with everything and took my cart to the front. Where I was minorly assaulted by a crazy employee trying to make kissy faces at my kid. People are so weird.

So that was Saturday morning. We went to our party which was fun and which I may or may not tell you about. Sunday we did barely anything except I almost ripped hole in my neighbors who were setting off professional grade fireworks basically into Hannah’s room. Monday we did even less.

And now it’s Wednesday for those of you keeping track. And I am tired. And ready for a nap. But in reality, should get ready for the pile of laundry to fold, dishes to wash, crying child to soothe, and oatmeal to wipe off every surface of the living room because some Grandfather taught some toddler how to spit.


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