Where I Belong

I belong in a city. A big city. Like the kind of big city that would overwhelm most and make people feel insignificant. I find comfort where others feel lost.

I went to New York this weekend. Now, I’m not saying I’d like to live there, that’s just silly. New York is a little too dirty, a little too crowded, and a lot too expensive. But being in the city felt right. Able to carry just the bare essentials, walk to anywhere I needed to be, ignore people as I passed them by, watch people and listen to snippets of conversation. Experiencing life all around me without having to actively participate; which I know does not sound great, but deal with it.

I heard something on the street this weekend that made me think.

“Selective racism brought to you by customer service. I tell you girl, nothing can make you hate people more than customer service.”

I assume there was a story that led up to this remark and likely some discussion afterward, but this is all my ears caught while whizzing up the Avenue of the Americas. And I thought about it. And I agree with it. And would add that HR is arguably one of the largest customer service industries. My team in particular is outstanding at finding ways of NOT helping people and, oh yeah, making it their fault. But I don’t want to make this about them, that horse is long decayed.

I am fiercely independent. I enjoy variety. I belong in the city. Maybe I’ll take another crack at Chicago or let the huz convince me Boston is where it’s at. New Orleans is pretty high on both our lists, and I have an in with someone who knows a thing or two about the territory. 😉 These vagabond shoes are longing to stray.

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Still No News

I’m exhausted at the effort. I reminisce more often than I’d like about the times I didn’t care. Or didn’t have to. I could work at a beachfront restaurant or a toy store in the mall. My reputation was enough to keep hiring me after I left for school or to work at camp. And I could live in a cabin or a crappy apartment with the contents of my life small enough to fit in a minivan. I didn’t have a mortgage. I didn’t have responsibility.

Is this a mid-life crisis? Am I having a mid life crisis? I want to abandon everything for a minute. Fall off the grid for a while. Just drive somewhere away from bills and jobs and theatre and and and and work in a bar and remind myself why having a real job is important. Why being a grown up at my age is important. What the word important even means.

I think I figured out some of my problem. The hazard of thinking too much. What I have decided is that I don’t get to be myself. Unless I am with someone under the age of 10, I am constantly putting on a face. The consummate professional. After shows I recruit people for my company. I choose the shows I work on based on whether someone from work might happen to see me. Everywhere I go, people recognize me from a job fair, or a performance, or a training I conducted. I just want to be normal. I want to drink a glass of wine for lunch and not think about the implications of someone seeing me. I want to feel free to perform in a ridiculous show without feeling like I’m going to get in trouble at work. I just want to be a person. A silly, sometimes stupid, mostly crazy, human person. I can’t even imagine what celebrities or politicians feel like if Human Resources can make me this crazy.

I count. I matter. The things I do influence people and how people interact with other people. I just have to keep reminding myself that this funk will pass. That as long as Jack and Liam and Craig and Sophia see value in me, it is likely that adults see value in me as well. That the brutal honesty of children is nothing compared to how well adults can mask their true intent. That 32 is a blip in the radar of life. That life will make sense again.

Seriously?

It has been how long since I last posted?

Well not much has happened. I went on my Halloween project management tour which was insightful to a degree, but pretty much what I expected to hear. I made some good connections. Now if only I could find the time to follow up. I’ve communicated directly with the CT department and the CT SVP but no fruits have fallen from that tree yet. I still sit and do my current job the best I can, harboring as little animosity as I can, and hoping that something miraculous will happen soon.

The Haunted Halloween Theatre event (Treatbag) that we participated in seems to have gone well. We never heard final numbers as far as money raised, but we seemed to have a relatively full house throughout the evening, and the people that came around genuinely seemed to enjoy themselves. I count it as a success.

I’m surprised at how full my 2015 theatre calendar already is. I’m performing in Feb/Mar, stage managing in April, maybe ASMing in May. I guess that’s all, but that still seems like a lot for me. I’m not usually this popular.

Shelby and I are going to NY. Today we celebrate 3 years of wedded bliss. I say today we celebrate, but today what we did is have a quick lunch since we both have rehearsal tonight. We really celebrate the weekend before Thanksgiving by taking a flash trip to the Big Apple. One of the more inspiring theatre endeavors for our local groups has been Sleep No More. Several of our directors, artistic directors, production managers, and fellow actors have gone to see this production. Sleep No More inspired Treatbag. It has changed the way people talk about theatre. It is important. It is exciting that we finally get to go. We have been talking about going since forever. We have dinner reservations and theatre tickets and plush hotel accommodations. We are looking forward to being transformed!