Weight Frustration

I used to be a big girl. People wouldn’t call me fat, but those people were being polite. Just before we got engaged when I was doing the “if you like it then you better put a ring on it” song and dance, I hopped onto the weight loss bandwagon and in the course of 12 – 18 months, I made it to my goal weight and took off a few more pounds just for fun. I lost a total of 50 pounds through a combination of dedication and stress. I also had another sister’s wedding to be in and felt an awkward need to fit in with the college rugby crowd. 😉 I watched calories. I made smart decisions about what to buy and when. I didn’t stop eating anything. I just watched the quantity of what I ate. I didn’t join a gym or do any special exercises, I didn’t follow South Beach or Low Carb or Atkins, I just stopped snacking.  I have no idea how healthy I was, I was just thinner.

Shelby is still a big boy. He’s stabilized at a respectable weight, but for a minute there, even the Wii Fit couldn’t classify him. When I met him, a combination of depression and a lack of money had dropped him to 170, a tiny stick of a thing. Let’s just say that comfort and 2 sources of income have done nothing for his waistline. He also knuckled down a bit leading up to the wedding (because he wanted to, not because I made him) and ate what I provided to him. He stopped eating fast food and snacked on carrots instead of candies.

We both have gained some weight back since the wedding. I’ve been hovering about 15 – 20 pounds heavier. I’m honestly ok with this, when I’m clothed. I still fit into the same clothes mostly. I may have a little extra top on my muffin in one or two pairs of jeans but all in all, I’m OK. I keep up with the yoga I have been doing for years so I credit some of the “heavy” to a buildup in muscle mass in my arms and legs. I credit the rest of the heavy to the bread and wine that are adding a layer of chub to my belly. I know it’s only January, but I’m kinda freaking out about the thought of bathing suits anywhere in my future which is just sad, because I want beach time this year.

And so I am trying. This time, it isn’t my goal to lose weight. The goal is to manage the weight I am carrying into a more toned package. Which means that in addition to actually trying a little harder to tone my belly, I should also take another look at my caloric intake, which due to illness got an unexpected jump start over the holidays. I skipped cookies. I didn’t have much candy. In fact, if it wasn’t a cough drop, nasal spray, or over the counter medication, I had a hard time getting much down. But that didn’t stop everyone from sending them home with us. And now others are starting their 2014 New Year’s Weight Loss Challenge and are bringing even more junk food over.

And so I am getting frustrated at the sticky buns and pumpkin rolls and sugar encrusted cashews that are all over our house. And the Huz is getting frustrated that I keep throwing away all his fudge and pound cake and Hershey’s kisses. And we’re both frustrated in our lack of meal planning because we are both involved in plays right now so it’s either a trip through the drive thru or another bowl of crunch berries. And he doesn’t want to be “fat” so he tells me I have to make him eat better. But then he gets cranky if I don’t let him have what he wants, so then I let him have what he wants with the casual reminder that he told me yesterday not to let him have this thing today. And then he eats it, gets heartburn or something, and then gets cranky at me for letting him eat the thing he wanted or didn’t want or can’t make up his mind about(so hard to keep up!).

And do you know how difficult it is to manage two wildly different diets in one house? It basically requires a trip to the grocery store every other day! Shelby won’t eat what I have around because mandarins and bananas are sooooooo not appealing when there are still cookies and cakes to eat instead. I’m trying not to eat as much so food is starting to go bad. Or, that thing that I really wanted for lunch but restrained myself saying I could have it for dinner in a few hours is totally gone because it is one of five things in the house that he will eat so he ate all five. Frozen veggie burgers aren’t cutting it for him anymore, and I don’t want any more pizza!

I’m finding the lack of actual motivating circumstances a hurdle as well. When you are going to be stared at and photographed by everyone you know (and some people you don’t know) and those photos are going to be cherished and displayed for years to come, looking thin and tall and young and lovely seems very important. But when your fat husband loves you just the same whether you’re a size 2 or 20, how can you possibly say no to the parmesan bread poppers he buys just for you? Or the cheese and bean burrito he spent the last half hour making (and frying?)? Or the second dinner and glass of wine he has prepared to share at 10pm when we’re both tired and dirty from a long rehearsal?

I can’t. So look out obesity! Here I come!

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